The close of a holiday always leaves me with regret for what didn't happen. I know that I always have too many activities envisioned for the time and space allowed...and that my vision is not the vision of others. I also tend to think in absolutes that my house has to be absolutely clean, that everyone has to be absolutely happy and content, that every event has to be pulled off with absolute precision and with absolutely no stress or fuss. What I'm doing is setting myself up for absolute disappointment and frustration which is what I did again this year. I did not allow any of the grandkids to come to my house for fear their parents would not approve of my lack of housekeeping or current organization levels. (or lack thereof). I realize now that I should absolutely not care what the parents think but let the grandchildren experience grandparents who do not live in a magazine home and who have a messy life but love them as much as is humanly possible. Actually as I look at the children's dwellings, theirs are not much different than mine and I don't think less of them. It's me who remembers the comments and body language and absolutely commits it to the looping memory that is so easily triggered. I need to remove the batteries of that recorder or tape over it with something more positive. Next year I hope to be different. I hope there are no absolutes....
The knowledge that the funeral home calling is this afternoon has absolutely stopped all forward progress for me. I still am somewhat in shock that Dean is gone. It was good to meet his relatives and see the slide show of his life. He seemed to be surrounded by extended family. I am just haunted by our last visit when he said, "I've just finished my degree and now I'm ready to really do something....." He trailed off at that point with a tear in his eye. I think he must have known then, but I wanted to cheer him up and probably acted the same way to him as Kristen did with me on the Thanksgiving day trip north....uncomfortable. I hope Dean was able to vent freely with someone who helped him work through his fears and not someone who forced him to "keep the sunny side up." I know he was confident of heaven, so that is some comfort, but I wished again, that I had been a better friend to him.
The rest of the evening melted away as most Sunday evenings do. The impossible tasks looming large for the next two weeks are enough to make escape seem appropriate and desirable. I hope the family understands when I totally disappear into the library. I should have done that all of last week, but some things are more important than academics and during the living of this Thanksgiving/Christmas/Mourning it was people not papers that mattered....absolutely!
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