09.13.2010 Monday Gearing Up for the Week!

Spent today getting ready for the rest of the week. Tomorrow starts the morning Bible Study in New Castle that I have committed to attending with Mackenzie (5) and Cole (2). Kendall (3.5) goes to pre-school that day so she cannot attend. I really really am going to require quite a bit of positive self talk as the nagging doubts about life vs grad school continue to occupy my mind. This seems to be clouding my ability to go back to school and participate with any degree of intelligent thought. The thought of being so far behind is terrifying. My all-or-nonedness is dictating that this is too much to accomplish in a temporal plain. I'm just going to have to talk myself out of this or as my mom so frequently admonishes to "get happy"! Watched the kids so Kelly could interview in Fishers. Sometimes creativity is required when dealing with your own thoughts, doubts and misgivings.

09.12.2010 Sunday Second Sunday

Den wasn't ready to field the questions at church so I went alone. It was my Sunday to teach the oldest class. I really enjoy them and their wisdom and insight. They were genuinely interested in his travails and wanted to offer support with Dorothy's struggles. So many of them have lost spouses and children and knowing that they've come through it is encouraging. I dashed home to get Dennis fed. He is appreciative of what I'm feeding him and cooperating with his dietary constraints. It is good to have the time to attend to this nutritional demands. It is pretty much a full time job. I'm going to have to come up with some creative way to engage him in his own nutritional needs. He tends to (left to his own devices) concentrate on the things forbidden to him rather than exploring the immense selection of things that he CAN eat! It's a matter of perspective or focus, but I don't know how to change someone else's focus. Possibly by example...or a kick in the pants....or making a game of it? He's not great candidate to embrace new technologies (IPods have food apps and calorie and carb counting)...he has no interest in computing in general anymore (numbness in the hands from chemo and fistual installation). He loves TV but I haven't found shows or channels dedicated to nutritional education...I think the tv does more damage with the barrage of food commercials. He doesn't read very much anymore and definitely does not respond to nagging. He hates (actually refuses) to a dietary journal or log book. He can't remember his insulin dosing. I need to find him a younger diabetic to mentor and that would help him teach himself. Yikes....this is going to take some major creativity, finesse, and "man" handling to make this work. I can't serve him every meal nor can I monitor every morsel that goes into his mouth. I'm going to have to get some buy in from him. hmmmmmm....this is serwious (Wonder Pets)

09.11.2010 Saturday

Strange Day. The massive news coverage on the anniversary of the attacks has made for a strange aura. We had another garage sale (which is just a clever disguise to get stuff out into the driveway for a short stay before it is all loaded up on a truck and sent for a lovely ride to Goodwill). We enjoy the family time during the sale and meeting people who are lured into our driveway by the signage. It's a good thing. Not lucrative by any means, but it's a lot less painful way for a "saver" to get rid of stuff that has made an appearance in a retail arena before going the non-profit route to the home of someone else.

More sorting and shifting of things around in the house. More quilting. More phone calling about Dorothy.

09.10.2010 Friday Doubts

My folks did stop on their way home from Missouri. They looked great! Rested and enjoying each other's company. Dad had a good laugh about our construction technique in the garden shed but he wasn't critical, just humored. Mom told us of their adventure in medicine in Missouri and they both told stories of their vacation. It was good to see them relaxed.
They thought that Dennis looked better than expected and as it was time for him to eat we chatted while I cooked his lunch. They had eaten a late breakfast so they stayed just a short time and headed for home.

I'm having real doubts about Grad School. Things are going well when I'm at home and seem to become disasters when I'm away. This is not pride or arrogance on my part, I don't get any kind of fulfillment from this situation. It is just the opposite. I wished the household could operate successfully without my presence. It seems that a house with adults should be able to care for themselves and each other. Granted we are 2 full time students and a disabled person, but it just seems that it should work. I don't know if I'm being told to quit (which if it's God telling me to quit...I'd be a complete fool to ignore that) however if this is just a trial that "too shall pass" I'd be a fool to give up prematurely. I love being at home and I equally love being a student and engaged on campus. It is quite the dilemna. I need to get Dennis engaged in something. (more rehashing from yesterday...but that's the way I operate....think about it and think about it and talk about it and talk about it until I'm sick about it and then I'll figure out a way around or through it!) Is this actually a very long painful way to be creative?????? Friday night is my normal veg out night. We tried to Skype with Texas Londt's and couldn't make the audio work. Veg out we did, figuratively and nutritionally. I hope I can keep Den's glucose reading as good as they've been. It's obvious that he is not good at managing his own diet....unfortunately, a quick glance at my waistline reveals that I'm not good at managing my own either, I'm just fortunate enough (or genetically geared) toward a healthier existence.

09.09.2010 Thursday Wound Clinic Debut

Arrived on time at the Wound Clinic on West Jackson. We were warned that this would be a long visit and they did not disappoint. We started with Nurse A who did her assigned tasks and then passed us off to Nurse B who was followed by the Doctor and his personal nurse who yielded to Nurse D (Connie) who redressed the wound and sent us to the administrative personnel. This all took about 3 hours! Connie was very personable and revealed that she was working on a photo book surprise so she and I shared insights into that production piece and Dennis seems to enjoy the distraction of someone not pestering him for pain scale measurements or other medical questions.
We had a late lunch and were both exhausted with yet another sojourn into the medical galaxy. This should probably be a captain's log...star date whatever. Sometimes it really feels that we're in outer space.

Joe and Heidi were given frequent flyer miles from their friend Mike (who is on assignment in Abu Dabi) and they plan on a mutual birthday weekend in Chicago on Sept 17-19th. That will be strange to have them so close yet too far to visit on such a busy weekend. With the premier of "Pat's House" slated for that Saturday and the Living Lightly Fair, it's just going to be a crazy weekend. The Walker-Londt Reunion is on Sept 19th also. Can we possibly get anything else in one weekend?

09.08.2010 Wednesday The G.A. Returns

Made to my GA job today to hear a lecture by the CEO of Hunt Group, Inc. A BSU grad who runs the largest sports arena construction company. This is a family business with the third generation in charge. It was an interesting lecture though the facility left much to be desired a cramped classroom overflowing with students all straining to hear since the doors couldn't be closed. Mr. Hunt was unfortunately soft spoken, but well spoken. It was so good to forget about my life for even a few minutes and hear about real-world events. Good to be actually on the clock. I worked on settling in to the new office on the edge of the woodshop and the task of acclimating to a new office mate. Bryan is rather verbose and friendly...probably also curious about where the heck I've been. Went to TCOM610 AND my evening class. That was alot for a first day back. I definitely need a laptop. Dorothy is holding her own. Ed and Jane have cut their Wisconsin visit short to be back at the nursing home. We would go to Avilla again, but they have assured us that there is no change in her condition.

09.07.2010 Tuesday

Stayed around the house waiting on Home Health Care to arrive. They didn't call and since it's a different person every visit and since they seem very unfamiliar with Dennis' dressing it helps to have a consistent face in the room. Dennis has taken a "done-unto-me" attitude instead of engaging himself in his own care. He covers his head with a pillow and hasn't even tried to view the wound. He says that his one is too much for him visually and if he doesn't know what's going on with his foot it doesn't hurt. They finally came in the early afternoon and by the time this nurse was finished it was too late to go to the afternoon class. I did make it to my evening class, but I was so totally lost that it was discouraging. I'm beginning to believe that I cannot live without a laptop and an internet connection in class. I didn't realize how much I rely on the internet and instant access to look up terms that I'm unfamiliar with or other sources for something mentioned in class or by a classmate. The internet really does enhance learning and maybe creativity! I just know that I need that technological aid to make learning more relevant for me. One of Den's first evenings alone and he survived. I had to walk a rather anxious dog, but all else was well...

09.06.2010 Monday Labor Day

Labor Day was wierd! The Gnaps had to work today since they are BSU chefs and BSU students have to eat. James and Holly were in Indianapolis to be with her family and so for James to have a vacation day from babysitting, Kristen filled in for him. We had a quiet day here. I am writing this entry after-the-fact and I don't remember anything remarkable about the day except that I was not in Fort Worth for Heidi's birthday as I had planned all summer. I cooked alot for the upcoming week, trying to get things into the refrigerator that Dennis can eat and making sure that the rest of the house is still diabetic friendly. I did get the kitchen reorganized and an extra shelf set up. It's very very pleasant to have things in order and orderly. I'm making myself a bit OCDC with keeping the spaces clean once I get them that way. I know that I should be getting either a quilt done or homework going, but I just cannot wrap my brain around it. My folks will be coming back from Missouri soon and having them at our house is always a stressor. Probably not for them, but definitely for me. It's that first-born thing of "not good enough." I wonder how old I'll be when I stop seeking their approval? Ed said that he never felt that Dorothy approved of him. Dennis says the same thing and so does Peg. I hope I can learn from that mistake to convey to my children that I'm proud of them and not disappointed in their shortcomings. There definitely is no one perfect...or even close!

09.05.2010 Sunday Labor Day Weekend

Actually spent the day resting.

Sometimes I sits
Sometimes I sits hard

09.04.2010 Saturday Labor Day Weekend

The Gnaps left for Barberton, Ohio this morning. We are waiting on Home Health Care to arrive for the Saturday dressing. It did, indeed, rain a little bit this morning. The wonderful act of putting all the stuff back into the Studio turned out to be a blessing in disguise because the stuff was put in just to get it out of the rain, so that means that it all has to be brought back out, organized and returned. Good and bad.

Calls and emails about Dorothy's condition took a good amount of time. It was bittersweet seeing her in her pleasant condition, as it made it easier to "let her go" but also clouded our former memories of her as alive and vibrant. Kind of a limbo day. I should be hitting the books, but I'm doing well to check Blackboard occasionally and send an e-mail or two. I am so thankful for the understanding about this entire situation. It should actually be easier once Dorothy is at peace. We all won't be so jumpy with each telephone call.

The Home Health Care nurse was very chatty and had a husband who had survived the same condition about 10 years ago. It was good that she wanted to share what worked and didn't for him and also that he made a full recovery and was wiser for going through it.

We were both tired enough to just sit and watch movies this evening.